


Help Me Remember

by mutedbyfear



Category: Actor RPF, Kane (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-13
Updated: 2011-10-13
Packaged: 2017-11-02 04:21:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutedbyfear/pseuds/mutedbyfear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve just wants to remember when their relationship was good and life didn't get in the way. Christian hopes that they haven't come to the end of a long road. An argument, a drunken night out and a woman means that they are both left broken-hearted</p>
            </blockquote>





	Help Me Remember

**Author's Note:**

> AN1: Inspired by the Rascal Flatts song 'Help me remember'
> 
> Written for J2_Kane_Bigbang_2011

“Hey darlin', I was hoping to catch you before you went into the studio, didn’t want to have to leave you a message but you’re….. you’re not there so….there’s no easy way to say… I gotta cancel flying down this weekend. There’s a problem with a couple of my takes and we gotta reshoot them Saturday. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take or...... dammit Stevie I wish I could talk to you instead of this fucking voicemail. I don’t know, maybe you could fly up here instead, we’d still have Sunday. Yeah, that’d work… we can go out for the day or maybe just stay in. So… ummm…. Call me back, yeah, let me know what you think…. I miss ya….”

Christian sighed, running his hand through his hair. He was tired, so goddamn tired and he missed Steve so much. They hadn’t spent more than a handful of days together in the last 4 months with him shooting Leverage and Steve on the convention circuit, playing in England and Germany, and trying to get his live CD ready for release. And that was before throwing the work Steve was doing for The Sound Parlor into the mix. Christian didn’t begrudge him his success but Steve had been able to come up to Portland a lot more often last year and he missed those weekends they spent together.

Two weeks ago they’d managed to be in the same state for a whole day but by the time he’d finished shooting his new video they’d only had time for a late dinner together before he was on a plane back to Portland. Then he’d managed to wrangle a trip to Las Vegas to the UFC thinking that he’d catch up with Steve there but Steve had taken himself “off the grid” on a solo trip where he didn’t even answer his calls or texts. He didn’t know what that was all about but it gave him a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He knew that things between them hadn’t been that great lately but he loved Steve and Steve loved him so they’d work things out – they just needed some time together. He just had to figure out how to do that.

Thinking about it, he didn’t even remember the last time they’d had sex, or at least more than a quick, fumbled handjob. Oh, the irony of he, Christian Kane, who was supposedly screwing around with half the female population of Portland, not being able to remember the last time he’d had sex with his own fucking boyfriend. Thinking about it was making him horny and he hoped to God that Steve was gonna come up on Sunday. He was gonna go crazy if he had to wait much longer without dragging Steve into bed.

 

***************************************************************************

 

Steve came out of the studio and automatically checked his voicemail – these days he seemed to listen to Christian's voice on that more than in person. He couldn’t wait for this weekend, he and Christian were meeting in LA for 2 days and he didn’t intend on them leaving the house the entire time. It had been too long since they’d simply held each other and even longer since they’d shared any intimacy other than a couple of unsatisfying hand jobs. He smiled thinking of all the time they had to make up for but the smile was wiped off his face as he played back the message from Christian.

“For fuck's sake Kane, not again” – he shouted out, throwing the phone down on the counter in frustration. He could feel the tension in his body caused by the anger and disappointment flooding through him. He slumped down against the wall, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall, clenching his fists and trying to breathe deeply. He’d been feeling angsty for weeks now, missing Christian, missing the relationship they used to have, and he’d been counting on this weekend to remind him why all the time spent apart was worth it in the end.

He had to leave the studio, get away from the four walls that seemed to be closing in on him so he grabbed his car keys and made his way to the parking lot.As he turned the key to switch the car on KWNR Vegas Country blared out – he had it permanently tuned to that hoping to hear Christian's new single being played.

Instead it was a Rascal Flatts song playing  
“Help me remember, the way that we used to be, when nothing else mattered cause you were loving me”

Rubbing his eyes to try and stop the tears that were now escaping, Steve though how apt those words were for him and Christian. When was the last time he and Christian -apart from on stage- just had fun or spent time cuddling on the couch, or had time together that didn’t involve one of them having to dash off to catch a plane? And he didn’t even want to think about their lack of sex life.

When did it all get so hard, when had it become more about fitting around one another's schedules rather than just loving one another? Steve had been counting on this weekend to reconnect with the man he thought was his life partner but felt, right now, like little more than a stranger. He really didn’t know if he could keep doing this, wasn’t sure if the good times were outweighing the bad ones anymore. He would, of course, once again change his plans and go to Portland but he didn’t think this weekend was going to pan out the way either of them had originally planned. Christian was still a little mad at Steve for taking off on his own for a few days. He hadn't seen or didn't want to see that since he was going to be in town with Dean Devlin to watch a friend in the UFC he and Steve wouldn't even be able to share any 'couple time'. Besides, Steve had needed the time and space to think.

He hoped this wasn’t it; that they hadn’t come to the end of a long road but he couldn’t stand this anymore – something had to give….

He knew Christian had worked so hard to get where he was, and that Leverage was one of those once in a lifetime opportunities but he was sick of hearing about what a great family they had on set – surely he was Christians family, not them. He wished he was living in Portland, at least then they could have some time together. And at times like these he wished he hadn’t given up smoking; he’d kill for a cigarette and a drink right now. He figured he'd better get back to the studio before Darren started wondering what was going on – he couldn’t lay any more shit on him, he’d listened to him bitching about his almost non-existent relationship enough recently. Time to suck it up and finish his work before phoning Christian back….

“Hey just to let you know that I’ve booked a flight. I get in to Portland at 9 Saturday night. Don’t know what time you’re shooting till so I’ll get a cab to your apartment and see you there. And Christian, we need to talk, need to figure things out….. I miss you, I miss us… see you Saturday” damned voicemail – he hadn’t really meant to say all that out loud – he’d be glad when they were in the same room and he could talk to Christian face to face, tell him how lonely he was feeling.

 

*********************************************************************************************

 

Christian listened to the message as he walked home from his late night poker session with Tim – he cringed at the resigned tone to Steve's voice and resolved to have changed that by the time the weekend was through. If he talked to Dean, started the reshoots early then he could get to the airport and surprise Steve. Yeah, that’s what he’d do. He hated what was happening to them, he knew the time they spent apart was slowly destroying the love they had and he refused to stand by and let that happen. He had a few days to come up with a plan and he was pretty sure he knew what that plan was, after all he’d been mulling something around for a while now. He needed to talk to a couple of people first but he really didn’t see that being a problem. He was actually looking forward to the weekend now that he’d started to think about this. He hurried home, a spring in his step at the thought of seeing Steve this weekend and making up for all the lost time.

 

**************************************************************************************************

 

Steve got off the plane, bag in hand, and strode purposefully through the airport towards the line of cabs, glancing at the turquoise decorated watch that Christian has given him a few years ago, and trying to figure how long it would be until he had Christian's arms around him. It had been a hard week in which he’d done altogether too much thinking but finally they were both in the same city.

“Hey darlin', looking for a ride?” came a familiar southern drawl from behind him.

 

Steve spun around, hardly believing that Christian had come to pick him up.  
“I thought you were working?”

“I was, but I got Dean to start early so we could finish up. I wanted to pick you up, wanted to see your face when I was here waitin' for you.”

Steve's grin was as wide as his face, his eyes lighting up at Christian doing that for him. He wanted to kiss him there and then but being in public, he settled for hugging him tight and whispering in his ear “I fucking love you, now take me home, and I’ll show you just how much.”

Christian laughed, his heart immediately feeling lighter. Coming to the airport was definitely a good decision, it had started Steve's visit off on the right note and Christian was looking forward to getting him back to the apartment and letting Steve show him just what he’d been missing.

“Come on then Steve, truck's outside, we’ll pick up some food and beer on the way and then don’t expect to leave my place till it’s time for your flight home…”  
Christian picked up his bag, flinging his arm across Steve's shoulder, feeling Steve's warmth up against him and wondering how in the hell he’d survived the last few months with so little contact with him.

As they reached the truck, Steve couldn’t help but notice a photograph of the two of them, one from years back, sitting up on the dash and as Christian turned the transmission on “You belong with me” flowed out of the speakers. Christian shrugged, giving him an embarrassed smile but Steve just felt relief that Christian evidently missed him more than he’d realised. Reaching over to the stereo he changed it to a Classic Rock station and began to sing quietly along with the Bad Company song that blared out. They settled into a comfortable silence for a few minutes as Christian maneuvered the truck out of the parking lot and headed out of the airport. Steve was the first to break the silence.

“So how come you had to do reshoots, was your hair all messed up or something?”  
Christian laughed “Don’t you start on my hair; I swear it’s like it’s a whole character on its own.”

Steve smiled, he’d missed this type of light hearted banter between them – he had a much better feeling about the weekend now. He’d talk to Christian tonight, work out a way to spend more time together and then tomorrow they could spend the day in bed; his whole body ached for a whole lot of loving from Christian.

An hour later, at Christian's apartment, Steve was no longer smiling as the light banter had degenerated into a heated discussion about their relationship.

“I saw more of you when we were fuck buddies than I do now… and while we’re on that subject can you remember the last time we actually did fuck, because I sure can’t. This is not a relationship, at least not one that I want to be a part of.”

Steve was pacing around the apartment, trying not to let the frustration at the way this evening was going spill over into anger

“What are you saying Steve, you want out? Is that it? You came here to break up with me? Why? Cos I haven’t fucked you lately?”

Christian's calm voice was betrayed by the fury sparking in his eyes; Steve knew any minute now Christian was going to lose it if he didn’t say the right thing. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes, an action that did not go un-noticed by Christian. Trust him to jump straight to them breaking up; he had never handled these sorts of discussions well and Steve didn’t know why he’d even thought that this time would be different.

“No, Christian, calm down, you’re reading this wrong. I didn’t come here to break up with you, I came here to try and get us back on track. What we’ve got here is doing neither of us any good. It used to be so simple – we loved each other and nothing got in the way of that.”

"Loved Steve? Loved? So you did love me and now you don't?" Christian's voice was hard now and his stance had taken on a defensive edge, his arms folded, reminding Steve rather too much of the character he played on Leverage.

”Please just listen to me. I’m trying to explain how I’ve been feeling. I just want to remember what that was like, I want it to be like that again…..” Steve was starting to plead a little now

“What and you think that I don’t want that too… you seem to forget that I came to Vegas to see you, spend some time with you… and what did you do? You took off on your own and ignored my calls – I found out what you were doing on Twitter for fuck's sake….”

The Kane train was rolling now, watch out anyone in its path.

Steve knew then he was fighting a losing battle tonight; Christian was not going to get off the track that he was on right now and he wasn’t going to stick around for Christian to rant on about his little trip to Mexico again.

“Look, Christian, you’re clearly going to twist everything I say tonight. I’m tired and I don’t want to argue. I’m going to a hotel; I can’t stay here with you like this. I’m the one that flew up here so we could spend time together and instead I’m getting accusations thrown at me. Calm down, get it into your head that I’m here to work things out – not break up – and I’ll be back tomorrow for breakfast. And Christian…. be ready to talk, not shout.”

He picked up his bag and noted as he headed for the door that Christian didn’t even protest and certainly didn’t try to stop him.

Christian watched the door close behind Steve and unfolded his arms, his clenched fists unfurling, as he moved towards the phone. He knew he was being an ass; Steve had flown up here to try and sort out their rocky relationship and all he’d done was make things worse. He’d let Steve calm down and then make it up to him tomorrow but in the meantime….

“Hey Tim, you wanna go for a drink… yeah, we were but there’s been a change of plan… I’ll tell ya when I see ya….”

 

***********************************************************************************************

 

Steve woke up and it took him a minute or two to remember he was in a hotel and not Christian's apartment. He shouldn't have walked out like that, he should have stayed and made Christian listen to what he was trying to tell him but he’d been so frustrated when the conversation had got so heated and he never could deal with Christian when he was hearing what he wanted to hear instead of what was being said. 

He'd bet every last dime he had that the first thing Christian did when he walked out was phone Tim and persuade him to go out drinking which probably meant that he’d be hung over to hell today or possibly still drunk. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing but really he just needed to go and apologise to him, sit him down and really talk to him, find the right words this time, not ones that would get his back up. Well, at least from Christian's reaction last night he'd gauged that Christian still wanted to be with him. He shouldn't have doubted that really but all the time that they’d spent apart had started to make his mind play tricks on him.

Christ he really did owe Christian an apology, he’d been a complete ass last night but he didn’t do confrontation well and all too often he gave in to Christian just to have the easy life. He’d hated walking out but he knew he needed to leave Portland with their issues resolved, with an agreement one way or another they would spend more time together, so he’d walked away before he gave in once again.

He hummed softly to himself and decided to stop at the store to pick up some groceries to make breakfast; the best way he knew to apologise was cooking for his man. It was still early so Christian wouldn't want anything to eat straight away, especially if he’d been out with Tim, but that was just fine with him, they had some making up to do first anyway.

 

************************************************************************************************

 

Christian woke up, head pounding after one too many beers with whiskey chasers. Steve was going to be back soon for breakfast, at least he hoped he was, so he'd better get up and shower, get the stink of stale alcohol off of him. He rubbed his face, trying to remember getting back to the apartment last night; he wondered if Tim had put him in a cab. Wow, he must have knocked some drinks back because it was a total blank. He could hear someone moving around, jeez Steve had got here early. So he’d best have a quick shower and then head in to see Steve, and sort this mess out, hopefully without an argument this time.

Ten minutes later he wandered into the kitchen, barefoot and dressed only in jeans, hair wet and curly from his shower

"Hey darlin.. .. What the……who the fuck are you and what the hell are you doing in my kitchen?"

Christian found himself staring at a not unattractive blonde female making coffee. He rubbed his eyes hoping to make her go away but she was still there when he looked up.

"Well good morning to you too. I'm guessing from that reaction that you’re not planning on us having breakfast together.." the blonde looked across at him, stirring her coffee as she spoke.

"Look sweetheart, I don’t know what you're doing here but I think you need to leave now...," Christian trailed off as a terrible realisation dawned on him, he couldn't have.. Could he? No fucking way… surely he’d remember that…..

"So... umm... what are you doing here.... nothing happened last night did it, please Lord tell me nothing happened...." a cold feeling was creeping over his skin and he was genuinely scared to hear her answer.

"You really were that drunk then.." she said with a smile "Relax, you were a true gentleman. I missed my ride out of town and you said I could crash on your couch until the trains were running again. Besides you spent the whole night talking about a guy called Steve so I got the distinct impression you weren't really interested in what I had to offer."

Christian let out a great sigh of relief only to freeze a moment later as he heard the key turning in the front door. Shit. Steve was here and this so did not look good.

"Hey babe, I'm sorry about last night, I should've stayed and talked things through. I just didn’t want to keep arguing. I bought groceries so if you want me to……"  
Steve stopped abruptly as he took in the scene in front of him. 

Christian knew how bad this must look; he was half naked, hung over to hell and standing in his kitchen with a woman. A few years back that would have been a standard Sunday morning and Steve would've been teasing him right now, helping to extract the woman from the apartment so he could drag him back to bed, but things had changed in the last year. Steve was the only person he shared a bed with now and he honestly didn’t want that to change.

Steve still hadn't said a word and appeared to be frozen to the spot, the silence hanging between them like a thick fog….

"Steve, this isn't what it looks like, she just needed somewhere to stay last night, tell him... Sorry darlin', I don't know your name," Christian turned to look at the blonde.

Steve laughed bitterly, his face clearly showing shock at what he saw as his partner's betrayal. 

"Oh, that's just perfect Christian, another nameless woman to add to your list. Well excuse me for interrupting, I'll just leave these with you .." he dropped the bags on the floor at Christian's feet " and you can cook whatever her name is breakfast. Don’t bother moving, I'll see myself out."

As he stomped to the door, he could hear Christian and the girl talking to him but none of the words were registering in his mind with the hundred and one other thoughts whirring around in there. He could sense Christian striding across the room and he turned as he got to the door, putting his hands out to stop the advancing man - and threw the apartment key across the room "I won't be needing that anymore."

"Steve, just listen please, listen to her.. She slept on the couch... NOTHING HAPPENED!" Christian knew he was shouting now but he didn't care, he couldn't let the man he loved walk out of that door. He grabbed hold of Steve's arms, gripping him so tightly that he could see Steve wince in pain, looking straight at him “Please just listen to what I’m saying.”

The girl, for her part, was also trying to say her piece "Honestly, I slept on the couch, he was just helping me out, he did nothing but talk about you all night." but Steve didn't want to know.

"Oh that's low, even for you Kane, getting her to lie for you, cover up what you've done. No wonder you don't want to fuck me anymore, you've been getting it elsewhere the whole time."

Christian recoiled from those words, letting go of Steve's arms and stepping back. That accusation was a slap in the face and knocked all the fight right out of him.

Steve's eyes were steely blue as he looked Christian directly in the face  
“So I guess you were right after all, I am breaking up with you. You can get Jay to call me about any band stuff - I’m not going to let them down - but I don’t want to hear from you again. If it had been Tim or Aldis, someone you’d got close to, then I might have understood… but some random woman that you picked up, that just makes me sick to my stomach….”

With that, Steve walked out the door, slamming it behind him so hard as he left that the pictures of him and Christian on the wall rattled.

The girl was the first to speak and Christian jumped having almost forgotten that she was there, so caught up was he in Steve accusing him of fucking around on him.  
"I'm so sorry, aren't you going to after him..."

"No point sweetheart, he won't listen to me once he's made up his mind. Stubborn as a mule, my Stevie." Christian was fighting hard to keep it together in front of her, keep his voice steady when it was trying to crack with emotion.

"I kinda need to get going, will you be Ok? I'm sorry that I caused all this," she looked like she couldn't wait to get out of there and Christian felt sorry for her because really, she had nothing to do with this mess.

"I'll be fine, it's not your fault darlin', I thought he trusted me but I was obviously wrong. God, I'm sorry, I still don't know your name..." that thought was already starting to go through his mind – that Steve could think he would actually be unfaithful to him hurt more than he imagined it should.

"It's Emily. Nice to meet you... I think. Thank you for helping me out, I guess I'll leave you to try and sort things out. I hope he comes back.” She edged towards the door at that, grabbing her purse as she walked by the table.

“Take care sweetheart, and, uh, I’d appreciate it if this didn’t go any further.” It had just struck Christian that he didn’t even know if Emily was aware of who he was and he had no clue how they’d met

She smiled at this, knowing what he was asking without him having to say the actual words.  
“Yes, I know who you are, no I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, of course I won’t say a word and, if you’re curious, your make-up artist is my best friend. I know how to be discreet about these things.”

Christian sighed with relief and hugged her goodbye, kissing her cheek “Thank you” he whispered as she left.

Once she was gone, Christian could finally crumple, giving in to the tears. Twice in less than 12 hours Steve had walked out on him and this time he didn't think he was coming back. Picking up his phone he decided that it was time to get on the offensive. Wearily he dialed the number - voicemail, it figured that Steve would switch his phone off, go to ground.

"Steve, I know you're mad but you gotta believe that nothing happened with her. I love you, there is no-one else for me but you. I had a surprise for you, I wanted to... Dammit Steve, just call me back, please… "

Christian looked up at the shelf and spotted the box he had planned to give Steve that day. The box contained a key to his apartment on a key ring engraved with the words "welcome to your new home".

He knew Steve already had a key - at least he did until he threw it across the room earlier - but this one was symbolic, this one was about Christian asking him to move in with him. He’d been thinking about it for a while but Steve's quiet resignation earlier in the week had convinced him that now was the right time to do this.

And now, instead of celebrating the next phase of their somewhat fragmented and difficult relationship, he was reflecting on what the fuck had just happened. Steve was his world; he just needed to convince him of that. He was probably already on his way to the airport to get the first flight back to Las Vegas. Christian loved that the outside world thought Steve was Mr. Laid Back when in actual fact he was a hot head who made rash, spur of the moment decisions, which he often lived to regret. From experience, Christian knew to leave him a few hours to cool off and then bombard him with phone calls until he came around. The problem was he wasn’t so sure this was going to work right this time. There was something so broken about them at the moment and he wasn’t even sure Steve would want to fix it.

Well, he couldn’t put this off any longer, he needed to call Sandy, get her in the picture and hope she could get through to Steve. She already knew of his plan, he’d phoned her yesterday, nervously asking her and Chris for their blessing so she was probably expecting an excited call from Steve by now.

Sighing he dialed her number  
"Hey, yes ma’am… yes well….. well things didn't really go the way I planned, I kinda screwed up.."

Twenty minutes later he got off the phone, assured that Sandy would talk to Steve, try and make him see sense, get him to call and talk this through – at least she believed he’d done nothing wrong and she was sure that Steve would know that too, once he calmed down. He hoped to god she was right, his future didn't look so good without Steve at his side and his heart ached at the thought that this might be the end for them.

 

******************************************************************************************************

 

Steve got two blocks down the street before he slowed down. He couldn't believe what he'd just seen, he thought they were done with all that bullshit years ago and now he realised Christian had been playing him for a fool. God, he bet everyone knew Christian was playing around on him. To think he wanted to talk to him about maybe moving in together: What an idiot, no wonder Christian hadn't suggested it, that'd put an end to his extracurricular activities. There were far too many thoughts in his head at the moment and none of them particularly happy ones.

He might as well head to the airport and see if could change his flight, get back to Vegas and bury himself in music. He didn't really want to talk to anyone now and he knew Darren wouldn't ask any questions. He made sure he switched his phone off, the last thing he needed were phone calls from Christian or any of the friends that he knew Christian was already on the phone to. It was a predictable pattern of their relationship through the years - Christian fucked up, Christian got everyone on his side to tell Steve how sorry he was and then he forgave Christian. Well, he was about to break that cycle.

He hailed a cab and asked the driver to take him straight to the airport – thank god he’d got his bag with him - the sooner he got out of Portland the better; hopefully he’d never set foot in this godforsaken place again.

 

*****************************************************************************************************

 

As he walked through McCarran Airport he switched his phone back on, bracing himself for messages from all their friends but was shocked to find only two messages. The first one was, predictably, from Christian but the second was from his mom asking him to call home when he had a moment. Thinking that something might be wrong he, immediately phoned her back

“Hey Mom, I’ve just landed back in Vegas. Kane's been a complete ass, he had a woman in his apartment….” Steve was mid rant when Sandy cut him off.

“Steve, I don’t want to interfere and I’ve always left you boys to sort things out for yourselves but I’ve already spoken to Christian and he’s told me everything. This time Steve, you need to listen to him. I know what it must have looked like but think about it, he knew you were coming back so why would he do something like that? Christian will always help anyone in need, you know that more than anyone.”

Sandy could not bear to have both of her boys hurting this much. Yes, Steve was her own flesh and blood but over the years she’d come to think of Christian as family too and she’d been so happy when Christian had told her he was going to ask Steve to move in. It had been a long time coming… The boys had only admitted to their relationship a year or so ago but mother's intuition told her there’d been something between them for many more years before that, even when they’d both been involved with other people. They’d always had girls hanging off their arms and half their songs seemed to celebrate the female form but they’d had such a connection from the moment they first met it hadn’t surprised her when they finally became a couple. Now she had to help them make the next move forward.

“It's not just the girl, Mom… I can’t keep doing this. I see more of Jensen than I do of Christian and Jensen’s married and lives in Vancouver half the year,” Steve admitted, hating this feeling of helplessness that he had, almost like he wasn’t in control of his own destiny at the moment.

“I’ve talked to Christian a lot over the last few weeks and the way he’s feeling is no different than you.. He misses you so much, he just wants things to be how they were before. He’s been planning a big surprise for you, Steve. You’re a grown man and I can’t tell you what to do, but please just do something for me. Talk to him, let him explain. Can you honestly tell me that in the cold light of day that you think that he took a girl back for sex knowing you were going there for breakfast? He loves you, Steve, he tells me every time he calls that you are the best thing that has ever happened to him. Tell me why he would risk losing that?”

Steve didn’t really know how to respond to that. His mom being on Christian's side was certainly a new twist – not that she disliked him but she’d dealt with the fallout from his and Christian's break ups, when they were still supposedly just band mates, on more than one occasion and had often asked Steve if it was all worth it. Everything she said did make sense and Christian had not done his usual call around of their mutual friends. The lack of voicemails from those friends was testament to that. He was starting to feel more of an ass than he did this morning. What the fuck was the matter with him that he thought Christian would do that, this time apart from him was killing him.

“Mom, I just need a bit more time to calm down, think things over… I promise you I’ll call him though, I’ll just give it a few days.“

“Don’t leave it too long, Steve; he thinks he’s lost you this time…”

“Well, maybe he has Mom, things have got to change and if they don’t then I don’t think I can go back there.” But the longing in his heart at just thinking about Christian gave his words a hollow tone.

“Take care, call me if you need to. Please sort things out…. I love you” Sandy hoped against all hope that she’d done enough to help her boys.

“Love you too, Mom.”

Steve made his way to his car in the parking lot knowing that he needed to call Christian and apologise, again. He’d leave it a few days though; he didn't relish having to eat humble pie with Christian and knew that Christian would make him work for his forgiveness. He had studio time booked in for the week and besides he needed a few days to figure out just where they went from here before he talked to him.

 

*******************************************************************************************************

 

“You took your time, Carlson – do you know how many fucking messages I’ve left you this week?” Christian practically growled down the phone

Shit, Steve had been expecting Christian to be pissed at him but he hadn’t expected the vitriolic fury that was evident in his voice. He took several deep breaths before answering, knowing that he needed to both tread carefully and keep his own temper in check.

“I’m sorry, OK. That’s what I called to tell you. This, all of this, its all my fault, OK? I will take all of the fucking blame for this one so can we please just go back to where we were before my last trip to Portland and start again?”

The silence was deafening and suddenly the distance between them became all too startlingly clear. Steve realised that this was not going to be as easy as he’d expected. Usually it was Christian apologising to him, begging him for forgiveness, reminding him what they had was worth fighting for so this turn of events was uncomfortable and unfamiliar to Steve. The continuing silence was beginning to worry him.

“Christian, are you still there, did you hear what I said? It's my fucking fault, nothing to do with you this time.”

He could hear Christian moving at the end of the phone so at least he knew he hadn’t hung up on him but the longer this went on, the more his stomach was starting to churn with uncertainty.

When Christian eventually spoke his voice was measured and calm, almost too calm compared to the way he’d answered the phone a few moments earlier.

“How long have we been together Steve?”

“I dunno Christian, ten years on and off I guess” Shit, ten years and they were still playing this game of cat and mouse.

“And how many times did we screw around on each other?” Christian asked the question softly.

Steve sighed; he couldn’t understand why they were going over old ground like this when he just wanted to move forward.

“I have no idea, did you expect me keep track?” Steve allowed himself a small chuckle. “Well we were both having fun; too many times is probably the answer.” Steve still wasn’t sure where Christian was going with this.

“Exactly Steve, but a year ago we made a commitment to each other, no more of that. Just you and me, no-one else. So how many times do you think that I’ve screwed around on you in the last year? “

“None” Steve answered quietly, finally understanding where this was going.

“OK, I get it Christian. I was wrong to jump to that conclusion. I said so didn’t I? I’ve said I’m sorry, can we please just move on now?”

There was a short pause before Christian carried on.

“You see Steve, that’s the problem – you did jump to that conclusion; straight away that was the first thing you thought. You thought I’d cheated on you and you didn’t want to hear my explanation. You have no idea how much that hurt me. And you walked out on me…. Twice in less than twelve hours Steve…” Christian's voice finally cracked now, the gruff edge telling Steve that he was in fact crying.

Steve longed to reach down the phone line and pull him in close, stroke his hair and kiss him until all the pain went away. He felt tears welling in his own eyes, knowing that he’d done this; he’d made the man he loved hurt this badly.

“Christian, believe me, I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back, wish I could go back to that morning and do it all differently, but I can’t. All I can do is keep telling you I’m sorry and hope that we can move forward. I love you; you’re the love of my life. Please I need you.”

Steve knew that he was begging now but he was frightened that this was it; this was the end of him and Christian. A week ago he’d walked away from the apartment unable to care less if he saw his boyfriend again and now the thought of not being with him made his blood run cold. He could see now he’d left it too long to make this phone call, why the fuck didn't he just call him straight away, as soon as he knew that he'd been stupid to believe that Christian would cheat on him. But no, the stubborn ass he was he'd left it a whole week; he'd left Christian with a whole week to reflect on events, a whole week to get angry and a whole week to put up barriers that could rival the Berlin wall. 

“If you don’t trust me now Steve, after all this time then what hope do we have? Our jobs mean we’re away from each other more than most couples. I need to know you trust me and that you’re not going to jump down my throat every time I help out someone in need or I need to work.. I miss you Steve, I love you. I know you love me but without trust then tell me what the hell we really have?”

Christians quiet acceptance of what appeared to be the end of their ten year relationship was heart-breaking to Steve. He’d thought it was difficult dealing with an angry belligerent Christian but this…. this was far, far worse.

Offering up a silent prayer Steve decided to lay it on the line “I love you Christian, I do trust you, just give me the chance to show you how sorry I am. I’ll do anything if you’ll just give me the chance, give me the chance to fix us.”

Christian laughed softly as he recognised words he had used on Steve on so many occasions in the past, always asking for another chance, always sorry… And Steve always gave him that chance, always forgave him his indiscretions but that was before they made a promise to each other. Since that point he had not strayed once and had not felt the need to either which is really what had hurt him the most about Steve believing he would – he couldn’t give in though, he had to keep his stance here.

“It’s OK you saying that, Steve, but a week ago I could see that you didn’t trust me. I’m sorry but I can’t change how I feel about this; without trust there is no us to fix…. I love you, I always will but I’m sorry, Steve, its time for us to move on. I’ll get Jay to phone you about the band stuff, I’ll leave it up to you if you still want to do that… but please don’t call me again… take care of yourself…. Goodbye, Steve” Christian ended the call before he changed his mind.

Steve heard the click of the line disconnecting and sat for a moment, listening to the static on the line. He began to sob, tears streaming down his face, chest heaving as the tears fell faster and faster, until he felt like he could no longer breathe.

This couldn’t be the end, it just couldn’t be…. To hell with what Christian had said to him, did he really think that he was just going to walk away from this without a fight? He wasn’t proud, he was prepared to beg if that’s what it took to get Christian back. He simply could not imagine his life being worth living unless he had Christian alongside him. To think that just over a week ago he wasn’t sure if they were going to make it and now he couldn’t bear to let him go. Why hadn’t he listened to his Mom when she told him not to leave it too long? He needed to talk to her, needed her comfort and needed her advice.

“Hi Mom, I need to see you. Christian, he…. he…..he broke up with me…..” and with that he dissolved into tears once more listening to his mother's soothing words as he arranged a trip to see her.

 

*****************************************************************************************

 

"So, you ever gonna answer when he calls or you just gonna keep ignoring him until he walks right out of your life permanently?"

Tim was trying hard to hide the touch of irritation in his voice. First he'd had a week of 'I can't live without him, I just need him to call' Kane and then after Steve had finally called he'd had to deal with the cold quiet fury of 'if he doesn't trust me then we have no relationship' Kane. At this point in time Tim wasn't even sure which one was worse.  
That first week, Christian couldn't stop talking, it was like someone had thrown open the floodgates and told him that it was OK to express his feelings. Every night Tim had gone home with a damp shoulder having held Christian tight as he cried more tears than he'd thought humanly possible.

On set he was the consummate professional, with not a hint of his inner turmoil showing to anyone else but the minute his driver was taking him home he let the mask drop and allowed the pain to show. Tim probably knew more intimate information about Christian and Steve's relationship than he needed and certainly wanted to. And he'd need brain bleach to rid himself of some of the images that Christians cathartic outpouring had produced. Really he hadn't needed to know when and how the pair had last had sex but it seemed that Christian had needed to tell him about it in great detail. But since then Christian had clamped up, trying to hide his devastation but failing in that mission.

"Not bothered if he's gone for good, just need him to stop calling." might have been the words coming out of Christian's mouth right now but the pain that showed in his eyes spoke an entirely different story.

Even as he said the words, his heart missed a beat as his phone indicated that Steve had left yet another message. That was six so far today and he'd yet to listen to any of them. If the truth be told, he wanted to listen to them but he found that when he did he felt his heart breaking at the sound of Steve's obvious pain. He wanted to pick up the phone and tell Steve that everything would be OK that they'd get through this just like they'd got through everything that life had thrown at them before. But, and it was a big but, trust was everything to him, all other problems they could overcome but knowing that Steve didn't trust him, well that was a deal breaker for him.

The first few days after Steve had walked out, he'd just wanted the chance to explain what that woman was doing in his apartment but the more he thought about it, the more the thought nagged him that Steve had readily jumped to the conclusion that he'd cheated on him. And that hurt, it hurt far too much for him ignore.

So he was staying strong, ignoring Steve's calls and waiting for Steve to give up on him, give up on them because that was what he needed to happen. The reality was that he would always love Steve and would always wish things could go back to how they had been; the simple times when they just loved one another and nothing else mattered, the world around them irrelevant. They didn't have any shows scheduled for a few weeks so hopefully this burning desire that he had to wrap Steve up in his arms would be gone by then, that’s if Steve even wanted to stay in the band.

Christian realised that Tim was talking to him, "Sorry Tim, what was that ...."

Tim laughed "I was just saying that I'd believe those words more if you didn't go all misty eyed and disappear into a world of your own every time your boy calls and ...."

"Not my boy, not any more..." Christian interjected, “Can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me, it’d destroy us in the end. I tried that before and it didn’t work so well for me. Too many arguments, too many tears, too many accusations. I refuse to go through that again, don’t want to end up hating Steve. It’s easier this way”

He turned away from Tim as he could feel his throat constricting as it always did right before he started to cry. He dug his fingernails into his palms in an attempt to distract himself but he knew he was fighting a losing battle here. He was trying to focus on the anger but underlying that anger was an unbelievable sadness that he wasn’t going to get the happily ever after story that he so craved.

He picked up the bottle and poured himself another drink hoping that the alcohol would numb the pain, if only for a short time.

 

******************************************************************************************************

 

Steve was feeling lost after a solid week of calling Christian several times a day and him not answering the phone. He knew Christian, knew he would be there listening to his phone ring, sat seeing Steve's name flashing up on the display and fighting the temptation to answer. He left him a message every time and texted him regularly through the day too, finishing with a ‘goodnight, I love you' text each night.

He’d been at his mom's since the day that Christian had told him it was over and he was aware that Christian was still phoning his mom regularly but she wouldn’t tell him what they talked about, only that he shouldn’t give up, that he should fight for their relationship. She’d suggested that he go up to see Jensen in Vancouver, get away from things, so he was booked on a flight tomorrow and he hoped that Jensen might be able to help him win Christians heart and mind back.

"Steve, just call him. Being without him is killing you slowly but surely and I know that it's doing the same to Christian." Steve had been there for two days and Jensen was already at the end of his tether, not really knowing how he could help one of his dearest friends.

"I've tried calling him Jensen, he said that without trust then we don't have a relationship." Steve slammed his fist down on the table.

"How did this all get so fucked up? I know we've not had the smoothest ride over the years but it was good until the last few months. How the fuck did we get to this point? I can't even think about my life without Christian in it... It just hurts too much to think about it." Steve bit his lip trying desperately to stop the tears that were forming in his eyes.

Jensen sat down next to him, putting his arm around his shoulder and pulling him in close, comforting him as the tears began to course down his face

"You need to go and see him Steve, one look at you and he'll know you didn't mean it when you said you wanted to break up. You hurt him. I know that it was the heat of the moment but you believed what you wanted to believe instead of listening to him. I'm your friend, not his. I know he's fucked up plenty of times but this time you're the one who has to make it right."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that when he won't even take my calls, I call him at least ten times a day, I leave messages, I text him and I’ve heard nothing." Steve choked as the tears continued to fall. " I just... I just want to hold him, tell him.. Tell him how much I love him, tell him I didn't mean it, that as soon as I really thought about it, I knew he wouldn't have done that to me. How do I make this right? Please help me find a way to make it right, I need him so much."

Jensen hated to see Steve in so much pain, he knew that he had to help him see Christian, but how?

"I think I have an idea. You've got Tim's number don't you?"

"Yes, but why do I need that?”

"Well if you're here pouring your heart out to me then who do you think Christian is talking to? I think you need to call Tim, tell him that you know you've fucked up and see if he'll help."

Why the hell hadn’t he thought of that before? He was glad he’d come to Vancouver now. Steve made a decision quickly and scrolling through his phone he hit the call button when he reached Tim’s name.

“Tim, it’s Steve…. Steve Carlson…. I need your help…. Yeah I know I fucked up, that’s why I need your help.” 

 

****************************************************************************************************

 

Steve landed in Portland hoping to every god in the world that this trip to Portland would be better than the last one. He looked around the airport arrivals hall, half expecting to hear the southern drawl he’d heard the last time but all he heard was the hustle and bustle of people going about their business. His was nervous; his stomach turning at the thought that he could be headed back to the airport in a few hours, still single. He called Jensen, needing a last minute pep talk.

“I'm scared, Jensen, what if he won't talk to me? What if he won't listen to what I'm tryin’ to tell him? Maybe this is a bad idea, maybe I should give him more time."

Steve's stomach was twisted into knots now - he didn't know what he was looking forward to least; the idea that Christian wouldn't even listen to him or the idea that Christian would listen but would still send him away.

Jensen was re-assuring though, convinced that Christian needed to see how much he was sorry in order to forgive him, that he wouldn’t be able to keep up the barriers in person that were so easy to keep in place over the phone. He jumped in a cab, praying that he was right.

It wasn’t long before Steve was pacing up and down the sidewalk outside the restaurant Tim had told him to be at. He was way too early but he was so afraid of being late and missing his chance that he now found himself with time to kill. Tim and Christian were already in the restaurant, Tim had texted him twenty minutes ago to let him know that they’d ordered and that he’d excuse himself once they’d eaten the main course. Steve had wanted to wait until the end of the meal but Tim had pointed out that Christian would have consumed way too much alcohol by that point, so they’d settled for between the main course and dessert. It was a miracle he hadn’t started smoking again these last few weeks but he knew Christian had been proud of him giving up and he didn’t want to let him down, regardless of whether they got back together or not.

His phone vibrated with a text from Tim “I told him I had a phone call to make, he’s on his own, don’t fuck this up again.” He took several deep breaths, smoothed his hair down and steeled himself mentally for a conversation that could change his whole future before pushing open the restaurant door, scanning the tables until he could see where Christian was sitting, his back to the door.

He made his way over, sliding on to the seat opposite him.

“What the fuck are you doing here Steve, come to check up on me, see if I'm with a woman? I'm having dinner with Tim, so if you don't mind I'd like to get on with having a pleasant evening with a friend.”

"You're not having dinner with Tim, he already left. He helped me set this up." 

Christian got up, stone cold fury on his face  
"Well he had no fucking right to do that, I don't want to talk to you, you don't trust me so we have nothing to say to each other."

Steve didn't even try to stop the tears this time. Maybe he'd been naive but he thought that once he got in front of Christian they'd fall into each other’s arms, talk it through, kiss and make up, and move forward.

"Please Christian, please let me talk to you. Even if...," Steve stumbled over his words, emotions overcoming him, "even if you don’t want to be with me after, please let me explain, let me tell you how sorry I am."

Christian sat down by him, his heart breaking at the sight of the man he'd loved for so long falling apart before his very eyes. He knew this would happen once he actually saw him. He sighed, taking Steve's hand and pulling him beside him "Ok Steve I'm listening", his voice gentle and calm now, "talk to me."

"I'm sorry Christian, it's just, it's just... " he choked out a sob " it's just we hadn't seen each other... I was so lonely." Steve broke down, unashamedly, unable to handle the situation he found himself in.

Christian cupped his hands around Steve's face and brushed his lips against Steve's forehead, hating himself for the pain he could see on Steve's face, pain that he was at least partly responsible for.

"Shush Steve, please don’t cry, we'll fix this, we always fix it. You 'n' me, we're a team, shush. We'll work it out. You still love me, right? I still love you, we'll fix it, shush, we'll fix it." Christian figured that if he said it enough times then it'd be true. He wanted to fix things, he just needed to know that Steve trusted him, that Steve wouldn't be wondering every time that he had to cancel on him or their jobs kept them apart.

Steve was shaking uncontrollably so Christian wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in close and gently kissing his lips, all the while re-assuring him until the tears began to subside. He silently thanked Tim for picking a restaurant where discretion was assured.

Steve looked up at him with watery eyes, a hesitant look on his face.  
“Can we fix this Christian? I’ve been so stupid…. I didn’t want to believe it but we’ve spent so little time together recently that I couldn’t even remember what it used to be like. I wanted to, but all I could think about were all the cancelled weekends, the snatched phone calls…all the time we spent apart…. It made me doubt what we had.”

Christian pulled back and looked Steve squarely in the eyes  
“I just have one question for you, Steve,” he said quietly, “do you trust me?”

Steve didn’t hesitate to answer “I do trust you, Christian. I just couldn’t think past how much our relationship had changed this year. It wasn’t you that I doubted, it was us…. But these last 3 weeks have made me realise that we have something very special. Some people search a lifetime to find love like we have, I don’t want to throw it all away.”

That was what Christian needed to hear, a justification to himself that it was OK to forgive Steve, that it was OK for him to let him back into his life. His eyes were shining now with his own unshed tears, all traces of anger replaced with joy at having Steve back in his arms again. It felt so right to have him at his side; he felt complete with Steve beside him, content in a way that he hadn’t thought possible over the last few weeks.

“So where do we go from here then, Steve? How do we get back on track because that’s what I want and everything you’re saying tells me that it’s what you want too.”

“I didn’t really think beyond me getting to tell you how sorry I am, I didn’t even know if you’d listen to me so….. I really don’t know. The last time I came up to Portland, I was going to talk to you about me maybe moving here when you’re filming. I don’t have to move in with you, I could get my own place but at least we could spend more time together that way…. I don’t know…. Whadda ya think?”

Christian laughed and Steve could not remember when he’d heard a sweeter sound.  
“What’s so funny Kane??”

Christian smiled, shaking his head at the irony of what Steve had said.  
“That weekend, when everything blew up, I was going to ask you to move in with me, even phoned your mom and dad, kinda asked their permission and then everything went to shit.”

“You asked my mom and dad's permission? Wow, I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation,” Steve chuckled.  
“Seriously though Christian, that is such a sweet thing to do, was my mom freaking out? Has she started planning menus for the wedding yet?”

“It’s good to hear you laugh, Steve, didn’t think I was ever gonna hear that again. And did I mention a wedding? One step at a time…. But I’m not ruling it out sometime down the line.”

Steve smothered Christian in a bear hug, kissing him passionately, fingers gripped in his hair.

“Can I take it that you’re moving in then?” Christian asked with a touch of sarcasm.

“Yes I am, did you ever doubt that I’d say yes? I love you Christian, I’ve loved you since the first time we played together, long before you noticed me in that way and I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else but you ….”

“I love you too Steve, I don’t ever want to do through what we have the last few weeks again. You make my life better just for being in it. I want to wake up with you as often as possible, I want you to always be in my life.”

Steve wanted to shout out to the world that he was moving in with his best friend, his boyfriend, the love of his life but he’d settle for telling just one person.

“I guess I’d better phone mom,” he said, a radiant smile on his face.

Christian smiled indulgently at the man he loved.

“I guess you had sweetheart, your momma’s been waiting for that phone call for a few weeks now and as soon as you’re done with the phone call we’re going back to our home…… we’ve got a lot of time to make up for”

 

The End


End file.
